Keeping Out of the Friendzone

Have you been spending time with someone who you want to be more than friends with? I have—it pretty much summarizes my whole high school experience, and part of college. There’s nothing wrong with being the guy that women feel comfortable talking to, but if you want more from a relationship, actions need to be taken. I was stuck in the thought pattern that no one would want to date the short skinny guy in high school, and this resulted in a self-fulfilling prophecy; single AF. I did date someone for several months during my senior year, but that was after I had already grown. I didn’t know how to be more than a friend.

Make your intentions known

For starters, the way you interact with a friend, and the way you interact with someone who you want to date are significantly different. Friends don’t flirt or touch each other. A simple compliment can be ambiguous—be witty and poke fun. Find engaging topics and ask her about what she expects from the future. Does it include dating someone? Be that someone. Don’t be the person that they unload all of their problems on.

As far as touch is concerned—start slow. Go for the hand on the shoulder, or maybe draw her in close if you are standing at a bar or table. If they’re comfortable being close to you, that’s great. You need to erode the distance barrier that you’ve formed, or prevent one if this is someone who you just started hanging out with. You need to test the waters to see how they reacts. If they shy away from your touch, give them space, but eventually they will catch on to your intentions. Do not be aggressive, ever, you want to come off as natural. If it feels forced, they might feel uncomfortable.

My girlfriend reminded me of the first time we hung out together since work. We went to Drake’s brewery to grab a beer and catch up. When we were leaving Drake’s to take her home—I made my move. While walking to the exit, I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. This moment made her acknowledge the possibility of us becoming more than friends (her words).  I don’t leave room for ambiguity in my relationships, and it ended up working out in the end.

Ask them out

Slip on your shiny shoes, comb your cabello, and put your peacock outfit on, because it’s time to draw some attention. Whether you have known this person for a while or not, the time has come to ask them on a date. This doesn’t need to be explicit at the outset. You can ask them out for food, coffee, or some shared hobby you have, but make sure to include romantic gestures throughout. When the bill comes, it. If you walk by flowers, chocolates, or ice cream; buy them some.

At some point in the evening you will have to establish that it is a date. If you were fortunate enough to come across some flowers, then it should be apparent by now, but otherwise you will need to ask them, “are you enjoying the date?” They might respond by saying, “I didn’t realize this was a date” or something to that effect. Regardless of their response, you have succeeded in establishing your intentions. Now you have to tell them how you feel.

My second date with my current girlfriend involved a pool party that I hosted with some of my close friends. She was the only girl, and she claimed to be naive to my intentions at this point. She didn’t know if she was attracted to me till that day, because I was walking around with my shirt off.; flexing my spaghetti boy abs. Regardless of how you look; own it. Confidence is crucial, even if you aren’t completely satisfied with your body, it is better to appear that you are.

Be prepared to burn the bridge

Once you’ve decided to take the step towards an intimate relationship, the path back to friendship will be difficult. Living in the friendzone when you have strong feelings for someone can be torturous, and possibly awkward. If you want to take the leap out of the friendzone, be prepared to lose the friend. Life is too short to spend your time yearning for something right in front of you. If they’re not willing to commit to a “date”, it’s time to move on to the next person. People will take your presence for granted if you’re too available. Dating someone else might help them realize that they want to be more than friends with you.  

Friends with benefits will never work for long. Eventually one of the participants will become dissatisfied with the lack of commitment. Which isn’t to say that you shouldn’t ask for it, but know that it will rarely resort in a lasting a relationship. Like I said before, be clear with your intentions to develop a shared understanding of the relationship; and hopefully hearts won’t be shattered in the process (the person who expects more will always walk away with some remorse). Be sensitive to what the other person wants. Coming off as needy or overly protective will turn them off. Act as if you have nothing to lose, and you will have everything to gain.

Signing off

I hope this article helps you stay out of the friendzone. Visit my contact page if you are interested in one-on-one coaching. Also, don’t be afraid to send me an email at [email protected] for any private content or comments.